Sometimes, I'm so sure about this decision that i've made. I know in my mind it was the right one, because i can be so happy now.

Then there are times, little moments that remind me of you, remind me of everything that we used to be to each other and i get overwhelmed with this sadness. It washes over me in this tidal wave of force, threatening to knock me over and all i want to do is break down and start crying. To go running to you and tell you that i'm sorry, tell you that i do forgive you and that i wish we could go back to where we were. I'd tell you that i have no problems taking you back, because the truth is that i'm still in love you. I think i will always love you, even if i'm not always in love with you, because you were such a huge impact on my life. And it breaks my heart every time i realize that we didn't make it and that i can never be with you like that again.

I remember that night, almost four months into our relationship, when you drove me back to my dorm and we were really happy just talking and laughing and listening to music. Then when we arrived and you shut off the engine you just sat there for a little while. It took so much just for you to say it out loud, blushing red, a wide smile that couldn't hide. "I love you," you said, and i knew you meant it. And i meant it just as much when i said, "I love you too."

Sometimes, i want nothing more than to drive over to your place and wrap my arms around you and pretend that nothing bad happened. I want to kiss you like i used to, and hold you close like i used to, fall asleep beside you like we used to.

So, a couple days ago, when you told me you wanted me back, it took all that i had to say "no."

"No," because we've been here before; to this place where i'm begging for you to want me again. "No," because it's been too many times that i've been hurt and left out. "No," because i will not be the last resort, the thing that you treat however wrongly you want because you know i'll always take you back at the end of the day, and forgive you.

No, i will not always take you back at the end of the day. i can't anymore. it hurts too much. I can't be with you without constantly thinking that at any moment, you'll grow tired of me again and put me out with the waste. I love you, but my heart can only be stitched back together so many times, the growing patchwork of seems is weaker with each incision, and i'm afraid that one day i won't be able to sew it back together at all. I won't allow myself to go there. I love you, but i won't allow myself to hurt myself again.

You know what else has bothered me? The fact that you didn't even fight for me. After all that we've been through. All that i've done for you. Everything that i sacrificed of myself to be the best that i could be for you, you didn't even try. You asked once if i would take you back, and when i said no, that was it. You gave up. There was no "Please" or "I promise I'll be better" or "I can change." Nothing like that. It was as if, you expected me to take you back without any sort of consequences for what you've done to me. You're not willing to change at all to stay with me. You don't love me enough, didn't love me enough, for that sort of introspection.

Well, I'm sorry. I know that i'm always the one who apologizes, even if i shouldn't be. But i feel like someone has to. I'm sorry, but you've made up your mind, and i'm doing my best to support your decision. I may not be over you yet, but i will be. Like you said to me as we sat among the redwoods by the arboretum, there is someone out there for each of us. Someone for you, and someone for me. I intend to find that person. i hold every memory, every moment we spent together in my heart, and i wish things had turned out a different way.

I love you. Goodbye.

I know it's not real. And i know that it shouldn't bother me. But forgive me for being a bit paranoid, i just got out of a relationship during the majority of which i played second string.

Emotional stability. Emotional stability. Emotional stability...

Where you go, I will follow
You into the Night

Lay your head down and I’ll keep watch, until the
Sun douses the horizon.

Light breaks, hands fold
Endless roads and anywhere to go.

Warm hearts beating, chest rising and a
Light rain destined to salt the Earth

Flames yearning, wicks burning still we
Forge on to treasures earned.

Soft hands, soft hold
Keep you close, don’t want to let you go.

Fill our hearts until the breaking point
Let you love run free
Feel your skin under the raging waters
What your eyes can’t see…

Eyes closed, harsh cold
Counting slow, whichever way you go

If you go, I promise I won’t follow, but should
You return, I’ll hold you tight

When Spring fell fresh upon us
light glinted from spaces blue
too new were we to
the pastel colors, too new
was i, and eager.
I am the birds in their perch
and the rose on its bush
i am the wind through the birch
and the sun dabbling light on the hills.
Should we go any other way?

The heat of Summer has always been
cold to the touch of those without
it. i wanted so badly to be in Summer.
The colors were older than Spring's
but even in their deep hues
they portrayed security
And it seemed sure to me.
I am the light of your landscape
high above. The slow rise
and fall of the waves.
I am the orchard's prize
the fulfillment and the pearl.
Are we afraid to leave this?
No, you told me, we will be stronger for it.
Should we go any other way?

Fall springs forth like an eager
playmate, with its own darker, more
serious colors. I first tasted
the feigned longing wasted of short
lived excitement. I first looked back
wondering where the past went.
The birches are not so springy
they've lost their interest in us or so
they say. But i would imagine otherwise.
Who could ever douse Your eyes?
At least, never in my view
but to expect the same would be the
fawn's mistake. Nothing is green anymore.
I am the leaves underfoot and
the waning sun fleeing opposite
from whence it came.
Perhaps if it went back around again...?
Every green breaks eventually.
Should we go any other way?

In the absence of the sun, the dark
wind whispers, afraid to be heard
and afraid to be found.
It is so cold here. And uncertain.
Which buds will bloom again?
Will they bloom again?
It depends on how cold the fingers are
how blue the lips
how thick the cracks in the eyes.
I do look back, but there is nothing
to be seen in the dark.
No rhyme, nor reason.
I blame the season.

Woke up even more tired and annoyed today.

Why am I so angry all the time?

Why am I sad?

It still amazes me sometimes how much power music has over us. It is a form of therapy whether you are listening or writing or dancing. Music has a way of expressing something that we can't get out any other way.

I've been asked a couple times how I write my songs, what's my process. For instance, do i write the lyrics and then the melody, or vice versa. There really is no set way. Sometimes it begins with a poem that screams to be a song. Sometimes you just sit down and start playing something.

I've only ever cried while writing a song one time before this. The first was a song called "Forever and Back," I sat down, wrote it, and recorded it all in one sitting and never played it again. This time was different. I don't know where it came from, it doesn't even seem to be anything that I had on my mind, but once I sat down it just started coming out and I couldn't stop it, I didn't know how. And I couldn't do anything but let it happen until it was finished. And I cried. For the second time since I began writing music, I cried.

It's not an especially good song. It's not my favorite. Musically it's not challenging, or boundary breaking, or new in any way. It just is. And it somehow encompasses something inside of me. It scared me that I was affected so much when writing it, but now that it is, I feel better for it.

I don't know, i just needed to write this on here because it shocked/scared me.

Well, Evanescence's third album has leaked on the internet and despite my best efforts, i was too curious not to listen. (Well not completely, I decided eight would be a good number and i'm goign to try and wait for the rest).

But anyways, i was enjoying it up to track 7, "Lost in Paradise." And that song came on and i lost it. Not to say i didn't like it, quite the contrary, i think that song could be my favorite from the album, i'll have to see.

Just, halfway through the song i started crying uncontrollably. Like, i haven't cried like that in a while. This wasn't like, getting really into Adele's "Someone Like You" performance and shedding a tear or two. No, this was full on sobbing. I don't know what happened, the song must have struck me in some way. I'm not going to listen to it again, not that song or any other until the release because i do want release day to be special. But that just scared me, i didn't know what was happening.

I guess Amy just has that power.

( Chapter Two. Roses. )( Chapter Two. Roses. )( Chapter Two. Roses. )Meh. It messed up my indenting.

1. She said, "Hey there, hot stuff.
Don't you dare bluff."
Tell her what you're gonna do
Tonight

She said-a "Come here, baby.
Don't just stare at me.
Babe, we got that steam heat thing
Tonight."

C1. You know they say the night's young,
but she don't know a thing about love
A-you should take a lesson sweetie from me
You won't find it there on the streets.

2. So voracious
The way they lick their lips
Auction off the flesh and blood
Tonight.

(But don't for)get yourself, babe
Those promises you made
To one day take the stage
Tonight.

C2. You know they say that beauty's young
But it don't mean that you should give it up
Sweet girl, you'd better take it from me
You won't find a love on the streets 2x

B. Babe, it's a guarantee
The sharks converge if they feel you splashing
White Fang is gonna serve his first
And Hestor's bound to be red

The witch is out to get her shoes
But dorothy's story aint about the blues
You'll climb your rainbow, just not today
Please, believe what i say

(ad lib)

C3. You know you're a sweet thing, and oh so young
but you don't need a man to have some fun
No sir, you'd better take it from me
You won't find your love on these streets.

I don't have a title for this, but it's a new story that I've started just today. For now, the working title is from the name of the first chapter.



( Sometimes Lonely, Sometimes Dark: Chapter One )